Monday, November 10, 2008
I have to admit, I have felt it rarely during church meetings since Brigham has been born. I have been nervous about posting this, because I don't want you all to think I'm this horrible Mormon....but it came to me, that most of you are or have been in my situation, and maybe you all have advice. Before Brigham, I was able to really concentrate on the sacrament prayers, understand the meaning, reflect, enjoy talks, but now...with one VERY squirmy, crazy baby boy, I have not been able to. My three hours of worship are no longer worshipping the way I am used to. I am chasing Brigham through the 2nd and 3rd hour, and sacrament meeting is all about keeping him quiet, so as not to be a disturbance to others. I think this has been the root of many of my frustrations and inner-self problems these past few months. Tom is not sparred either, during sacrament meeting. We talked about it yesterday and He has definitely noticed a big difference in what he takes from the meeting. But he does teach Sunday school, and sometimes Priesthood, so I am usually with Brigham during those hours...so at least he has that time to ponder, reflect and learn.
I'm not trying to "complain" because it is a fact of life...I have a little baby who can't understand what's going on...its certainly not his fault---and other than those 3 hours, he provides me with more love and hope and understanding of Heavenly Father's miracles than I would never have felt unless I had him. I guess what the point of this entry is to vent a little, but to ask, What should I do? Throughout the week I am prayerful and thoughtful in matters of Christ. I read scriptures (although a lot less as of late...) I feel the spirit throughout the week in situations that would call for it, but there is something (obviously) very special about Sunday's and I feel like I am missing out. Is this just life? Should I just be prepared to give up that feeling for the next decade or so? Do any of you feel this same way?
I am so grateful that I am aware of the fulness of the Gospel...that I have it at my fingertips and that I know of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and their eternal love and guidance. That I know I am loved and led by an amazing Prophet and wise and loving Apostles.....I am just struggling with this aspect of worship and hope I can overcome it.
Thanks for reading my ramblings.
Posted by Kelly Tillotson at 12:48 PM